How I recovered from burnout

And learned to stop and smell the roses

The Zoom call went overtime that evening and didn’t end until 6:30 PM. Without shutting my laptop, I raced to my doctor’s appointment.

My doctor was just closing up shop but received me. I’ve been seeing him for years.

I had come for a flu shot but when he asked how I was doing, his question triggered an avalanche.

I was run-down and ragged but thought it was the result of a stressful job. I had recently relocated to work for a unicorn, where my boss - the CEO - was barely older than my son. Most of my co-workers were in their twenties and I was a menopausal mom of millennials. I thought if I could get up early and get some exercise in before starting work every day at 9:00 AM, I could work all day and well into the evening. Seemed reasonable.

Symptoms

I rattled off a list of random complaints as he listened:

• I was having trouble breathing deeply. I couldn’t fill my lungs to capacity. I held one hand over my heart, where my breathing was shallow and raggedy.

• My sleep was terrible. I couldn’t fall sleep and usually woke up several times during the night, panicking about something work-related.

• Tinnitus was screeching in my ears.

• I was drinking half a bottle of wine every night, sometimes more.

• I had gained weight.

Above all, I was deeply unhappy and had often told my husband I was thinking of chucking the job. I felt dead inside.

You never know from looking at someone whether they are burnt out.

Diagnosis

It was the first months of the pandemic and at my company, we had all started working from home, which meant working around the clock. I never shut my laptop, and it wasn’t unusual to be chatting with colleagues at 11:00 PM. In a global company, somebody is always awake, even when they should be asleep.

The doc delivered his diagnosis quickly. “You’re exhausted.”

Really? It seemed obvious once he said it but the thought had never occurred to me. I just thought my job was stressful.

Treatment

He recommended a simple three-point plan, plus medication to keep my blood pressure down:

• Lots of exercise

• Fresh air

• Rest

Two weeks later he upgraded his diagnosis from exhaustion to burnout.

I took time off work.

Part of the rehabilitation plan included therapy. Every Wednesday I would cycle to the posh part of town to see a therapist, who had a couch straight out of Freud’s office. I was always relieved when the hour was over. The whole set-up was sterile and distancing. I was raw and emotional, but didn't feel any bond with this lady, who waited for me to talk, and rarely asked questions. We wore masks and conversed in German. My health insurance covered pyschotherapy but I quit at the first opportunity. It just didn’t bring any benefit for me but maybe I just didn’t find the right person. Talking to friends was more rewarding.

My favourite bench to stop at while walking in the fields.

Years ago, before mental health became socially acceptable, people didn't talk about their burn-out. They went on sick leave for months. I scoffed at these people. Your job?!? Burnout? Puleeeze.

Now I was one of them. There was definitely a stigma associated with it, especially in the corporate tech world where I was working. You can’t tell by looking at someone if they are burned out. Maybe they look like crap, maybe they’re just having a bad day. But they could also be high-performing individuals who just aren’t functioning at quite the same same level. I noticed I wasn’t as creative as I used to be. I had no energy. My spirit was crushed.

People have asked me how to know if you’re burned out. I’m not an expert. All I can say is, if you feel like you’re standing beside a version of yourself you don’t like, you may want to get some help.

The three point plan worked - but it’s also a life plan. It makes sense for everyone, burnt out or not. I also left the corporate world and have not regretted that decision at all. The immediate sense of freedom that came with it was unexpected but so rewarding. Not everyone has that freedom. I liked my job a lot, but I identified closely with it too, and had no boundaries between me and the work. I was always on, always available. That meant I had no coping mechanisms for dealing with the stress.

Hiking in the woods, walking in the fields, smelling the flowers, sweating in the sauna, swimming in the ocean, switching off my phone, eating my veg, drinking pots of herbal tea, doing lots of yoga, and meeting friends - this was my personal therapy.

Alex is a very special friend. We met when our first children were babies.

Find your inner Finn

Now here’s something you can do if you are in a rut or even if you’re just curious. Finland repeatedly tops the list of happiest places in the world, so their tourism board created a masterclass in happiness. Their tagline says it all: Happiness - it’s in our nature. The outdoors plays a huge role. But my favourite class was the fourth one - it’s all about design and crafts. Making things with your hands is therapeutic and I experienced the thrill of being productive and in the flow when I used to knit and sew, or make collages and decoupage. Time to find my inner Finn again.

Tuesday, October 10 is International Mental Health Day. Look out for yourself, your family, and your friends.

And good luck! Let me know in the comments how you’re getting on.

xxAngela

Found this lucky charm tromping through a farmer’s field.